Monthly Archive for September, 2008

Financial genius? It is me.

Published
by
ashley
on September 30, 2008
in i am ridiculous and work
. 0 Comments

Man. Yesterday was the first day where I felt like a financial genius for cashing out my meager 401k three years ago.  Two points for Ashley!  Last year, Marques cashed his meager 401k out as well, and although I was the leader of Team Not A Good Idea, I must say that considering his former company’s stock is now down to $1.16, I am very, very, very thankful.

(Warning: lots of parentheses ahead. Don’t you like I warned you about the upcoming parentheses IN parentheses?)

I have to admit that I really have no idea how this whole financial crisis is going to affect me.  I might lose my job - but in my industry, that’s always just around the corner. I don’t own any stock. I don’t have a 401k (sorry Suze Orman!). I don’t own a house. I don’t even own a CAR. I have a newly-started Wachovia Way2Save savings account with $228 (seriously) in it (it’s my Christmas fund!). I mean, what does this mean for me?

(by the way, if you look up Financial Planning Fail in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me)

I suppose that in the end, we’ll drop a few things. Less meat in our meals (which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all - I try to make at least three vegetarian meals a week now as it is) and maybe we eat out less. Maybe we just do less of everything. At the very least, I have enough fat on my body to get me through a couple weeks of starvation if it comes to that. (Why no, I am not related to Cormac McCarthy nor do I possess his optimistic outlook on things)

I AM concerned about the economy, certainly, as I am not a robot. I can only hope when the dust settles, people are generally okay. I have no opinion on the bailout bill (I do, but it’s not a public opinion) but I will say that there are people in this country that are suffering, and they were suffering before this crisis even came to a head. If anything, I hope this situation highlights this vein of American people and finds a way to help them get back on their feet.

And yes, I’ve been watching way too much West Wing, what with my liberal propaganda. All I’m saying is that Jed Bartlet and Toby Ziegler? They would know how to get us out of this mess.

Alas, Circuit City, we hardly knew ye

Published
by
ashley
on September 30, 2008
in i am ridiculous and top five
. 2 Comments

In today’s current economic climate, with stores and banks closing left and right (well, maybe), I find myself wondering: What stores would I miss the least?

Here are my top five stores that I wouldn’t miss if they had to close their doors due to the massive economic failure:

1. Linens-N-Things/Bed, Bath, and Beyond

I don’t understand the appeal of these stores. Certainly, you can purchase items for your bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen at these stores, but at ridiculously inflated prices. Their one saving grace is that they have a large selection of bedding and shower curtains. However, with the internet and all, what’s stopping consumers from finding that Ralph Lauren polka dot set on Amazon or eBay? At a cheaper price?

I’ve bought exactly 4 things from Linens-N-Things, and that was in 2004 - I bought four towels during a Labor Day sidewalk sale for $2.49 apiece. I’ve never bought anything from Bed, Bath, and Beyond mainly due to my Ikea duvet addiction and the fact that I’ve had the same shower curtain since November 2004 (yes, that’s true, and partially gross).  Regardless, I view Linens-N-Things and Bed, Bath and Beyond as potentially worthless stores, and there are no tears streaming down my face if they fold.

2.  Circuit City

I hate to say this because I worked at a Circuit City for almost two years when I was in college, and they were nothing but nice to me and it was actually a job I didn’t hate that much. Unfortunately, Circuit City, Best Buy has you beat. Best Buy is like your younger cousin - way hipper and cooler (and snottier). Circuit City, with your worn-out red floors and threadbare gray carpets, it’s time for you to shut your doors and move on. The fact that you’ve fired your best and most seasoned employees twice doesn’t do so much for employee relations either. Also, stop making your employees wear red - red looks good on nobody.  Me, I looked like a giant tomato.

3.  K-Mart

You lost when Wal-Mart started nosing its way into your territories. That, and you get a bad rap. Unfortunately, even though I hate Wal-Mart, I would still choose to stop at Wal-Mart before I shop at you. Your stores are filled with dated, cheap merchandise that doesn’t even pretend that it’s well-made (Target, I’m looking at you) and your business model was chewed up and spit out by Sam Walton. K-Mart, you had your day in the sun, but Wal-Mart has eclipsed you - face the facts. The only reason people still shop at you is because they don’t want to drive the extra 3 or 4 miles to Wal-Mart or Target.

4.  Edible Arrangements

I do not understand what it is about this store that infuriates me. Perhaps it is the fact that their logo sucks - I stand by my statement that the typeface Papyrus should not be used EVER (okay, maybe for some Egyptian World museum exhibit). Perhaps it is the fact that these people are charging 60 dollars for 10 dollars worth of fruit. I understand the appeal - you don’t want to send flowers so you send a vase of fruit that looks like flowers and the recipient gets to eat his or her gift. But come on. For 60 bucks, you can’t buy someone something they might actually want or need?

When my grandfather died last year, my mom’s company sent an Edible Arrangement to my grandmother’s house. It arrived in a ceramic vase covered in playing cards - hearts, clubs, spades, diamonds. It was very strange. But I feel almost that Edible Arrangements is not a very eco-friendly company - aside from the high carbon cost of shipping out-of-season fruits to the U.S., their containers aren’t very good for re-use. What’s someone supposed to do with a playing-card designed container? Or a Spongebob container? If it was me, that shit goes to Goodwill or in the trash.  Edible Arrangements, we’ve reached a period in our history where it is no longer considered charming to drop 80 bucks on a bouquet of fruit. Belts are tightening and well, we just want to cut up our own fruit, thank you. Repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with a fruit platter.

5.  Books-A-Million

Look. We have three national book chains in this country. We don’t need all of these bookstores. Perhaps you haven’t read that America doesn’t like to read anymore. No? Well, we don’t. Well, I do. But I don’t like to read at full-price.

BAM is the ugly ducking of the three. Barnes & Noble, because it has an ampersand and the word “noble” in its name, is clearly the ‘high-class’ one of the three. Borders is in the middle - you can usually pick up a good 3-for-2 sale at Borders, but the bathrooms are sometimes unclean.  BAM, however, is just the worst. So of the three unnecessary bookstores in our country (come on, Amazon has them all beat) BAM is definitely the one I would miss the least.

Honorary mentions: any sort of music store in the mall (come on, don’t charge 19.99 for a cd people), Williams-Sonoma (who pays 129.99 for a copper ladle?), Toys-R-Us (I think you might have outgrown your brand, Geoffrey) and (dare I say it?) The Gap (nobody likes the middle child).

Top five stores I would cry for days and days if they closed?

1.  Target
2.  Trader Joe’s
3.  Ikea
4.  Amazon.com
5.  Wegman’s

Who knew you could make your own crackers?

Published
by
ashley
on September 27, 2008
in baking
. 11 Comments

My best friend Lorrie joined the Daring Bakers a couple months ago and I was instantly enthralled.  Her first challenge was to make a Danish braid, which is something I would never have even entertained the idea of.  I mean, I can bake things.  I make brownies a lot, and cookies, and other assorted things.  Things made of wonton skins.

It took me a few months to work up the nerve to join.  I didn’t want to join and have my first challenge be like something completely ridiculously hard.  But I bit the bullet and joined in time to have the September challenge.

Which was crackers.

Like seriously.  I had never given thought to the idea that I could actually make my own crackers.  Crackers to me are crusty stale Saltines that I spread liberally with blackberry jam.  And to top it off, we had to make the crackers vegan and prepare a vegan dip.  Look, I could easily be a vegetarian, but the day I give up my creamed honey is the day you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

I was at a loss.  I didn’t want to go to the easy route and make a hummus because I pretty much make my own hummus every week.  I wanted something that would be different.  Not a salsa.  Not a spread.  Not anything that required me to buy some kind of soy ingredient.

Finally I realized:  tabbouleh.  One of my favorite ways to eat tabbouleh is to scoop it up on a piece of pita.  A lot of the members on the Daring Bakers board said that they didn’t roll their dough thin enough and it ended up thick, like a piece of flatbread, which was perfect for me.

So I mixed everything up, soaked the bulgur, let the dough rise - all that jazz.  The finished product?

Okay, I cheated a tiny bit and added feta cheese to my tabbouleh.  I love feta cheese.

Here are the recipes.  I encourage you to try the lavash baking - it was really much easier than I anticipated it would be.

Continue reading ‘Who knew you could make your own crackers?’

Things I learned this week (Sept. 27)

Published
by
ashley
on September 27, 2008
in things i learned
. 1 Comment

1.  Apparently, British people do not rinse their dishes while they are washing them.  This is an interesting cultural difference to me.  I am a rinser.  But I am not British.

2.  Iggy Pop wears Crocs.  Somewhat disappointing.

3.  Goth style endures. I think everyone went through their goth phase in junior high or high school.  Did I or did I not have a lot of black clothes?  Yes.  Was one of those shirts made from crushed velvet?  Possibly.

4.  Some women don’t like the way their boyfriends look. It’s no secret that I wish Marques wore glasses, as I find glasses unbelievably hot.  Does this mean that I am constantly making him read things in low light to thus strain his eyes and force him to need glasses at a later date?  Uh… no.  Of course not.  My top hated piece of clothing that Marques has in our closet?  His Metallica shirt from like 1991 and it’s faded and ugly and, oh, you know, Metallica sucks.

5.  What happened to Muxtape.

6.  People get creative when the economy blows.  This guy decorated his basement with Sharpie markers.  That guy is a genius and has steady hands.

7.  Many reasons why I am thankful I did not have to illegally immigrate to this country.  All in a handy flow-chart.

8.  Michaels craft store redesigned their logo.  Now it looks like a salad dressing logo.  At least it’s better than looking like a grocery store.

9.  I am pretty much a color genius.

10.  The Oddly Enough blog on Reuters has a ZOMBIE tag.  Awesome!

True fact of the world #54

Published
by
ashley
on September 25, 2008
in true facts
. 0 Comments

Alanis Morrisette’s “Jagged Little Pill” album loses all its angry-girl credibility now that you know the songs are about Joey Gladstone from Full House.

Was listening to a few songs from it today due to a “what song is this?” post on Ask Metafilter and while I was listening to the lyrics, I got a little creeped out that they were about Joey Gladstone.  I’ve made some pretty bad dating choices in my short life, but I could never imagine being so in love with Joey Gladstone that I would cry in his shower.  That’s just me, though.

Really? This guy?

Really?  This dude?

How did you get here?

Published
by
ashley
on September 24, 2008
in i am ridiculous
. 3 Comments

It’s a voyeuristic pleasure of mine to look at the Google search referrals on my stat manager. Generally, I don’t give much thought to who is reading my website, mainly because if I obsessed over it, I would never write again. I get embarrassed when people tell me they read my website, or when my website is featured somewhere. The first time I was featured in the Express Blog Log, there was this immediate sense of mortification that was followed by surreptitious glances to the people around me on the metro reading their copies. Although it’s insane, I could feel that they somehow knew I was That Girl. I was also thankful that the majority of my co-workers were out of the office that week due to the conventions.

That reaction pretty much destroyed any dreams of my ever becoming an actual author - if I was mortified about one sentence in a newspaper, I would probably die of embarrassment if I saw strangers on the metro reading an entire book that I wrote.

Sometimes I do think about the fact that literal strangers are reading about my life. But I tend to shrug it off because the majority of people who find my website do so accidentally, by Google searching for whatever. I always love reading what they were searching for, mainly because I never would’ve thought my website would have popped up. Here are some of my favorites from this month.  Because of my website name, I do get quite a lot (and by quite a lot, I mean like 80,000) of porn searches, so I’m choosing to ignore those:

“winner winner chicken dinner”

Again. You have no idea the amount of hits I get from this phrase, which I used a post title a few months back. I just wrote it on there because I had heard it earlier in the day, which Marques said was probably while he was watching SportsCenter. Regardless, I don’t know the origin of this phrase, I don’t know where you can get a ringtone of it (and as a fellow human being, I implore you not to) and I don’t know how to make a chicken dinner.

“chipotle online ordering”

I said it once, I’ll say it again. Awesome, but has its flaws.

“does margaret cho have a girlfriend”

I don’t know. I wish it was me.

“how to please older women”

I also don’t know the answer to this question. My guess would be doing the dishes. I’m always pleased when Marques does the dishes.

“what foods do what for my body”

Bacon makes you happy. That’s pretty much all you need to know about it.

“i am going to quit my awful job and pick up cans for a living”

This is probably my favorite google search this month, I swear. This is a harbringer of the economic crisis. I hope that you did quit your awful job and are now picking up cans for a living - recycling is important.

“where did calling older women cougars come from?”

Oh man, I don’t know. Probably Ashton Kutcher. I hope this trend stops soon, however. A friend of mine yesterday explained to me the subtle nuances between cougars and pumas. Apparently, a cougar is any “doable” woman over 40, and a puma is any “doable” woman over 30. Sigh.

“make your own frosted cereal”

Look, I am all about making homemade things - my oven is turned on more than me. Unfortunately, with this one, I would suck it up and spend the $3.00 for a box of Frosted Flakes. Don’t make your kids go to school with homemade frosted cereal - they’ll get made fun of.

“how to make ashley shut up dot com”

Uh, awesome. I would almost consider creating this website in the vein of “Has the LHC killed us all yet?” and then just putting whatever I want at the moment on there. LIKE MY GREEN SCARF.

“stop making fun of barack obama”

I agree. His ears are cute and I love arugula.

There’s no place like Huntington

Published
by
ashley
on September 24, 2008
in i am ridiculous
. 1 Comment

Believe it or not, I do think of my old town fondly, although the first chance I got to leave, I took it.  I can’t say I’ve never looked back because I have often thought of what my life would be like had I not taken my job in DC.  I can say the following things:

1.  Had I not left Huntington when I did, I would have been unemployed one month later as the newspaper company I worked for went under for the first time.  This was disappointing because as much as I hated that job, I really enjoyed the people I worked with and the concept of the newspapers.  And as a journalist, I hate seeing any newspaper shut down.

2.  When we left Huntington, we were living in a nice two-bedroom townhouse with full amenities - dishwasher, washer/dryer, porch, carport, two bathrooms.  We had searched for that apartment for months, nervous that we would never find an apartment in Huntington that would fit all of our needs.  And we didn’t want to stay in our apartment on 8th Avenue because our upstairs neighbor was clinically insane.  We found this apartment 3 weeks before we had to move out and we moved in and frankly, never truly unpacked.  Two days after we moved in, we saw our first centipede.  They came fairly regularly after that point - lots of centipedes, moving fast on our walls and ceilings.  I became afraid they would crawl into my mouth while I slept.  I hated being alone in the house because I was afraid one would appear and I wouldn’t be able to kill it.  I have a lot of unnatural fears.  Regardless, I am sure if we still lived in Huntington, we would probably still be living in Centipede House and I would cry all the time.

3.  Marques would never have embraced Greek and Middle Eastern cuisine.  In Huntington, there were no Greek restaurants.  This is unfortunate.  However, every year, the Greek Orthodox church in Huntington would host a Greek Festival and provide gyros and souvlaki and dolmathes and moussaka for lots and lots of money.  The first year we were dating, I was determined to introduce Greek food to Marques.  I went to the Greek festival and bought him souvlaki and all kinds of meaty things I knew he would like.  He took one bite and said, “I am not impressed” and I was crushed.  However, since living here, he has eaten a variety of foods and regularly enjoys a good baba ghanouj platter and chicken shwarma.  All is well with the world.

4.  I would be much, much fatter than I currently am.  I have lost a decent amount of weight from all the walking and general healthy eating.  I cooked a lot while living in Huntington, but not nearly as much as I do now, and the temptation for Marques to bring home calzones from D.P. Dough was always palpable.  Here, we eat out maybe once or twice a week, but in Huntington, it was probably three or four times per week, not to mention lunches while at work.  Cooking food at home is fun for me and more healthy for us in general.

5.  Definitely, my liver would suffer.  Before we left, we were just starting to find our drinking rhythm, I think.  Marques would occasionally go out with the boys from his work and I would occasionally go out with ex-coworkers of mine or friends.  After I left, a new bar opened in Huntington that suddenly, all of my friends flocked to and they had insane specials like quarter mixed drink night so I’m fairly sure a case of adult-onset alcoholism would’ve taken hold because I?  Do not know how to moderate anything.

There are a surprising number of things I miss about Huntington.  I miss the mountains this time of year, where all of the trees are golden and orange and red.  You can smell the smoke on the air from all of the wood-burning stoves.  Trees line every avenue, pretty much, so when you drive, you’re surrounded by these giant behemoths and in the fall, the leaves float down around you.

(That’s 3rd Avenue.  I was driving home to my first apartment.  This is an old picture.)

I miss knowing everyone - going to a party and seeing 19 people there I knew.  I miss seeing freshmen line up their suitcases on the side of the road to go home for the holidays.  I miss Calamity Cafe - every time when it hits this time of year, I think about their cheese soup and weep a tear for the fallen.  I miss free subs from Subway.  I miss being able to do my grocery shopping at 2 in the morning and I miss the weird guy who worked at the 5th Avenue Kroger during the late shift.  I miss Kroger.  And I miss getting gelato from Gino’s - I always got the pistachio flavor.  I miss driving to Gallipolis to go to the drive-in and getting peanut butter milkshakes from Midway before they closed.  I miss sunny days on the Ohio River and walking in Ritter Park and driving in that area where all of the old houses are.

I miss this bridge:

I loved that bridge so much that sometimes I would go over it to shop at the Ohio Kroger, for no reason.  I just wanted to drive over the bridge.  I would make my friends drive over it, I would make Marques drive over it, I would drive over it and then drive back over it.  That bridge is my favorite bridge.

I miss driving.  I never drive here, really, and I miss that feeling of the windows down, good cd in the cd player, bare feet on the gas pedal, trip-to-nowhere feeling.  I especially liked to drive in the fall, where rolling the windows down was pleasant and the leaves were pretty no matter where you went.

There are lots of reasons for me not to miss Huntington.  For the most part, I don’t.  Huntington is really a town defined by the university within its borders, a town that hinges its history on a plane crash and a football team.  As much as I sometimes felt trapped and confined there, it is a town where honestly, beautiful things can be found in the most banal places.  That’s really what I miss the most.