So I’m pretty sure that Giant Supermarket in the DC metro areas is employing Big Brother. Yes, okay, I have the little discount shopping card. I’m sorry, but my privacy is not worth an extra 2 dollars on a pound of grapes. So I get that my signing up for aforementioned card allows me to get targeted coupons for things that I regularly buy, such as bagged salad, cereal, and various frozen sundries.
I mean, that’s the price you pay. Forty cents off a box of Lean Pockets.
So anyway, I was at Giant this past weekend doing the whole weekly grocery shopping trip. I bought some watermelon, some cucumbers, pork chops, lunchmeat, swiss cheese, ricotta cheese, pasta, and baby carrots. Oh, and some ice cream. Not that pussy light ice cream either. Full-fat, full-heart-attack inducing cookie dough. I mean, I figure go big or go home.
Anyway, at the checkout, after I paid my exorbitant amount of money for my meager goods, the checkout lady handed me a coupon. I stuffed it in my purse, pretty sure it was for some kind of cheese or pasta since that’s what I bought. And I forgot about it.
Until today.
Today on the metro coming to work, I’m rifling through my purse trying to find a long-forgotten Lifesaver or something to suck on. My mouth felt like cotton had been stuffed in it (thinking of that makes me cringe, I hate the feel of cotton balls) and I was dying. It’s doubtful that the other passengers realized my malady, but you know, that’s they roll in big cities.
Anyway, no candy. But I did find my crumpled up receipt and coupon. I smoothed it out only to find that they were offering me $10 off a package of Alli, the orange-poop diet pills.
How in the fuck did this happen? Here are my explanations:
- Due to the increased purchases of fruits and vegetables thanks to the upcoming summer months, Giant Corporate Data Mine decided that I, member #4529843, started a new diet, and they thought I would benefit from losing 50% more weight by pooping out oil.
- On the other hand, I’ve been buying Marques little mini pizzas and hot dogs for him to eat for lunch, so perhaps Giant Corporate DM thinks I should STOP eating those things and start a new healthy diet regime that includes everyone’s favorite pastime of anal leakage.
- Maybe there’s a button near the register that the cashier can push that’s labeled FAT GIRL. And when a fat girl comes up to the checkout, the cashier can push it and it will automatically print out an Alli coupon in an effort by the FDA and partnered health insurance companies to decrease obesity in America.
- Maybe it was the two Smart Ones frozen dinners I purchased last week. That rigatoni with broccoli is good shit, and I don’t care if it’s only 290 calories. Load me up, sirs.
- And last but not least, maybe EVERYONE gets an Alli coupon. But considering DC is full of people that are skinnier than I am, I have a hard time believing that.
I mean, what are you gonna do? Welcome to the future.
